


Dream Date on Murder Mountain

by PumpkinDoodles



Category: Ant-Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Netflix and shenanigan, bunny slippers, the world's weirdest Meet Cute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:41:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22821160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PumpkinDoodles/pseuds/PumpkinDoodles
Summary: Scott thinks this new project will really turn things around for him.
Relationships: Darcy Lewis/Scott Lang
Comments: 16
Kudos: 142





	Dream Date on Murder Mountain

**Author's Note:**

> *I own nothing!

“Shit,” Scott Lang said, as the van’s engine started to smoke. “Shit. No. No! Don’t you do this to me, Loretta!” He had borrowed Luis’s old van, Loretta--X-Con was doing well enough for Luis to have bought a new car--to drive to the lab in Humboldt county. “This is not the plan,” he scolded the van. “I have to meet a very important person! I’m wearing my actual tie!” Scott was trying to expand his circle of legitimate, serious hero-type work, now that he was off house arrest. Also, Hope and Hank were sort of mad and icing him out right now. That was stressful. Plus, Scott was bored. Once you’d worked with Captain America, even an exciting office with Luis and Kurt seemed, well, less exciting. The van slowed to a crawl and Scott picked up his phone. First, he called AAA. Then he called Cassie. His daughter answered on the second ring. “Hey, Dad!” she said. 

“Houston, we have a problem,” he joked. 

“What happened?” she said. 

“The van broke down,” he said. 

“So call AAA,” she said.

“If I call them, how will I be able to sit by the road and weep? Won’t that interfere with my ability to curse your sleepaway camp?” Scott said.

“Possibly,” Cassie said. 

“What are you doing today?” he said.

“Nature walks,” she told him. “I saw two bees already. You need to call them now, it takes, like, an hour.”

“All right, _Mom,_ ” Scott replied. “I’ll have you know, I called them already.”

“Good, you’re improving,” Cassie said. “Normally, you’d just be crying right now.”

“I could still cry. I haven’t ruled that out,” Scott insisted. “I’m not even going to compliment you on your bee-spotting. I’m wounded.”

A guy named Earl arrived with the tow truck. He had a mustache and a face that reminded Scott of an actor whose name he couldn’t remember. As he struggled to get the van on the truck, it started to rain. “I can’t believe it’s friggin’ raining,” Scott said, more to himself. Earl grunted. The rain increased. Hunched on the edge of the road, Scott’s dress shoes got all wet and muddy. He clamored into the tow truck with squelching shoes and damp clothes, feeling irritated. Why did his luck always turn out this way? He’d make a bad impression at this new job, he thought glumly. As they drove down a densely-forested road, four men on ATVs pulled up alongside them. “What are they doing?” Scott said, baffled. The men had bandanas tied over their faces.

“I wouldn’t stare too hard,” Earl said. “Those are guards.”

“Guards?” Scott said.

“For the marijuana growers,” Earl said. He flicked his eyes at Scott--his khaki pants, muddy shoes, and soggy ant-print tie. “You’re not from around here,” he said, chuckling.

“No,” Scott said.

“What do you do?” Earl asked.

“I have a master’s degree in engineering,” Scott said.

“Oh, yeah?” Earl said. “You don’t look like the type to end up in Humboldt.” They rode in silence. “People like that don’t show up here. Much,” Earl observed. Scott saw him eying the sad van in the rearview mirror. And Scott’s cellphone, which had a cracked corner.

“I’m sort of between jobs,” Scott said. “This is a temp thing.”

“Yeah,” Earl said. 

“I also used to work for Baskin-Robbins,” Scott admitted. “It’s been hard to find regular work.”

“Yeah,” Earl said. He was quiet. Scott hated quiet. 

“There was a small, unfortunate incarceration,” Scott said. “I was guilty of the thing I did, but it wasn’t wrong.”

“Sure,” Earl said. 

“I’m really a very honest person,” Scott said. “You can ask my house-arrest supervisor.”

“Uh-huh,” Earl said. “Where was it you were headed again?”

“This address,” Scott said. He showed Earl the crumpled scrap of paper with the lab address written on it.

“I think you’ll fit in just fine,” Earl said. “You just be careful of some of these growers.”

“Growers?” Scott said. “W-what?”

“Lots of people in a bad way come up here for the work, but you can’t trust everybody,” Earl said.

“I don’t trust everybody,” Scott said. Earl nodded and drove. Scott looked out the window. “My ex--my sort of ex-girlfriend, she thought I trusted too many people,” he said, after several minutes. “But when somebody asks you for help and they’re, like, a national icon, what do you do?”

“I keep my head down and mind my own business,” Earl said.

“I’ve--I’ve never been good at that,” Scott said. “I’m more of a see something, say something person,” he told Earl.

“I wouldn’t tell anybody up here that,” Earl said.

“Does anybody ever tell you that you look like Sam Elliot?” Scott wondered aloud. He’d remembered the name.

“Sure,” Earl said. “All the ladies.” 

They dropped the van off at an auto repair shop. “Your place is just a few blocks that way,” Earl said. “Hop in the truck, I’ll drop you off.”

“Thank you,” Scott said. They drove through a commercial block of buildings, if you could call it that. Everything was a little rundown. Scott got nervous. Just a smidge. What if this was the way he got killed? Hope would definitely say _I told you so_ during her eulogy. 

“Here you are,” Earl said, pulling up in front of the warehouse. There was a van parked out front. 

“Thanks,” Scott said, getting out and getting his duffel bag. His real suitcase had been confiscated in Berlin. 

“You be careful now,” Earl said. Scott waved awkwardly as he drove away. With a sigh he turned to warehouse door. 

“Please don’t be a murder warehouse,” he said aloud. He paused momentarily at the van by the door. It had been repainted a sunny yellow with a motif of constellations in purple. On the side, a bumpersticker was emblazoned with a weird slogan.

_My hammer is smarter than your honor student._

“Weird,” Scott said, “but in a fun way,” then cleared his throat and knocked on the door. He heard noises inside. A bump and a muffled _oof._ Something clanging.

“Hold on, my dude!” a female voice called. “My cat is being a bastard.”

It was oddly reassuring.

The door opened. A tiny brunette in glasses looked up at him with a grin. “Hey!” she said. “You’re Scott.”

“I’m Scott,” he said. Dr. Jane Foster was _really_ cute.

“I’m Darcy,” she said. “Welcome to Murder Mountain!”

“Darcy?” he said, confused.

“Jane’s assistant,” she said. “That’s what they call it up here. Come in. Watch the cat. He’s an escape artist and a bastard, but Thor loves him. They’re off being romantic...somewhere. I don’t ask. Jane and Thor, I mean.” She glanced around. “Oh, he’s hiding now.” She gave him a serious look. “He will ask you to scratch him and then he will bite you. The cat, not Thor.”

“Oh,” Scott said, trying to follow. 

“Did it rain?” she said. She looked at his shoes. They were still muddy.

“Shit, yeah,” Scott said, “sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she said. Her smile was wide. “We’re messy people--”

“Oh thank God,” Scott said, noticing the clutter of the room his was in. One side looked like a professor’s office and lab--very messy, papers everywhere, books in stacks--and the other was a small living room. Less messy. But it had comfortable-looking chairs. Scott realized Darcy was smiling at him. He blushed.

“Why don’t you take a shower? I can get you some clothes and we’ve got great water pressure,” Darcy told him. 

They did have great water pressure. And the Culver sweatshirt and sweatpants she left him were comfy, too. The bunny slippers surprised him, though. Scott shuffled out to the living room. “Thor wears bunny slippers?” he said to Darcy.

“Nope, those are mine,” she said. “You want Chinese? They won’t be back for hours.”

“God, yes,” he said. The food had been delivered, the cat had decided it liked Scott, and they were eating when he asked her about the Murder Mountain thing. They’d already covered common acquaintances (Captain America), shared interests (many), and the Avett Brothers. Scott was smitten. A tiny bit. He could manage his crush, he thought. She’d never know. He was cool. 

“You’ve never seen the documentary?” Darcy said, suddenly alert. “Oh em gee, you _have_ to. I want to find this kid in it and yell at him. Jane says I’ll get shot. She booked this place, so I didn’t know it was Mary Jane central until we got here.”

“No?” Scott said.

“I don’t, like, inhale, to use a Bill Clinton reference, because I’m chill enough already and I like Fruit Loops sober--” Darcy began. She made a face. “--so everyone makes fun of me.”

“Good,” Scott said. Then he corrected himself. “I mean, that’s good. I’m on parole, so...I’d get caught. I always get caught. It’s my face. I have a getting caught face.” She nodded sympathetically.

“I heard about Germany,” she said. “I’m really surprised I never got arrested, to be honest. It seems like I should’ve by now, but mostly we just stay up late to look at the stars and stuff.” Scott felt relieved. He was afraid that Darcy’s smile could lure him back into a life of crime.

“Good,” he repeated. “I can’t call my ex-wife’s husband for bail money. Again.”

“Understood,” Darcy said. “But you’ve _got_ to see the documentary. This county is _wild._ ” She picked up her remote. 

“Kung pao?” Scott offered.

“Oh my God, yes,” she said, grinning. “I love food. Again, totally sober, despite all evidence to the contrary. I’d just heard of that fancy Humboldt Fog cheese when we got here, so I thought it was going to be like Napa Valley for sheep up here. Nuh-uh.” He laughed. 

“Napa Valley?” he said.

“It’s namedropped in the Whole Foods rap song!” Darcy insisted, laughing. “It gave me expectations of fanciness. I was imagining people who looked like James Spader in every 80s movie almost running me over with their BMWs.” 

“My friend Luis totally wanted to do parody California raps,” Scott said. “But it’s really hard to find words that rhyme with gouda.”

“That’s actually a clever idea,” Darcy said. “Gouda is cheese _and_ cash.”

“That’s what I said,” Scott said, nodding. “Double meaning.”

“Holy shit,” Scott said, thirty minutes later. “This guy is insane. He’s going to get killed.” Darcy nodded. They were watching the part of the documentary where one grower’s land was vandalized by other growers. Or gangs. It was kind of unclear. But definitely ominous. 

“He’s so gonna get killed,” Darcy said, shaking her head. 

“Please tell me he doesn’t die,” Scott said, mouth full of honey chicken. “I don’t think I can handle it. I’m too emotionally invested.”

“No, no,” Darcy said. “He survives this. Jane won’t let me find him now, though.”

“It’s probably a bad idea,” Scott said. He wiggled his feet in the slippers. “I mean, unless he needs like, a mentor? Do they do Big Brother for, like, troubled youth who are in their twenties or whatever? He’s probably that age, right?”

“They should,” Darcy said. “I think so. It’s hard to tell when they all wear masks. They could be fifteen or forty five.”

“But you’d need to find him,” Scott pointed out. “You know, what if we searched the arrest records? From the local cops? Or the DOC?”

“Ooooh,” Darcy said. “Lemme get my phone!”

* * *

Jane and Thor returned to the warehouse from a romantic evening via Mjolnir. They’d ended up staying gone longer than intended. “I wonder if Scott Lang got here yet?” she said aloud. But Darcy and Scott weren’t there. Jane looked around the room. The cat had been fed, there was uneaten Chinese in the fridge with she and Thor’s name, and the TV was paused---on that damn Humboldt documentary that Darcy was obsessed with. “Oh, no,” Jane said. 

“What is it?” Thor said. He was poking in the Chinese bag.

“She’s dragged Scott into her documentary thing!” Jane said. “Bring Mjolnir. We’ve got to find them. He’s an engineer!”

“This is important?” Thor said.

“It’s--it’s the principle of the thing,” Jane said. “She knows that I worry she’ll get herself killed by somebody! In a murder shed!”

Jane and Thor were headed out to the parking lot to seek Heimdall when a van pulled up. It honked and the horn made a jaunty sound. A dark-haired man was driving. Darcy was in the passenger seat. He leaned out the window. “Hi! I’m Scott,” he said cheerfully. He hopped out. Jane stared. He was wearing Darcy’s bunny slippers. He shook her hand. “We just picked up my van,” he said.

“Oh thank God,” Jane said. “I thought you’d gotten in trouble!”

“What?” Darcy said, climbing out of the van. 

“That documentary?” Jane said.

“Oh,” Darcy said. “We watched it.”

“And we found the kid,” Scott said.

“What?” Jane yelled.

“Not literally. He’s on social media,” Darcy said.

“You’re kidding,” Jane said.

“I don’t think he wants a Big Brother, he totally made fun of my tweet offering to mentor him in a less outlaw lifestyle,” Scott said. “It was kind of rude.”

“Oh my God,” Jane said.

“I’m very disappointed that he called you those names,” Darcy admitted. She looked at Jane. “It’s not like Scott wouldn’t be a great mentor! He has the jail experience _and_ retail _and_ grad school.” 

“He called me an idiot and several other words I can’t say in front of Cassie. Then someone else said ants were a dumb avatar,” Scott said. 

“He sort of got tweet-stormed by Murder Mountain fans,” Darcy said. When Scott looked away sadly, she mouthed _“he’s cute”_ at Jane.

“I don’t think I’m square,” Scott said. “So what if I like _The Lego Movie?_ ”

“I love that movie,” Darcy said, tucking herself under Scott’s arm. She gave Scott an adoring look. It kind of freaked Jane out. She was already freaked out, but...

“And I think Cerealously is a great website,” he said, “not just one for middle-aged dorks…”

“Did you read the review of the Strawberry Milkshake Pop Tart?” Darcy said.

“They have strawberry now?” he said. “Hey, what’s that other documentary you mentioned, the one we should watch?”

“Osho!” Darcy said. “It’s insane, you’ll love it.”

“Oh my God,” Jane repeated, as they walked into the warehouse.

“What is it, my Jane?” Thor said. “They are unharmed.”

“But there’s two of them now,” Jane muttered. 

“Aye,” he said.

“Also, I think Darcy’s in love with our houseguest.”

“Indeed,” Thor said. “Why else would she let him wear her favorite slippers?”

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this tumblr post: dream date: we get chinese food delivered, it’s raining, i take a shower in your shower (it must be a nice shower with good water pressure), you let me wear your clothes after i shower, you have a cat that i can pet, we watch movies, i fall asleep in your bed for like fifteen hours, you fall in love with me
> 
> https://yespumpkindoodlesthings.tumblr.com/post/190923121403/anais-ninja-bitch-lesbicasentimental
> 
> Also, everyone should watch Murder Mountain, it's _wild._ Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZEH67Iy9i0


End file.
